Inherent Contradictions

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

so this 28th may, i'll be joining the workforce *moans* a commitment, though just a temporary position, for SIX months. god. am i capable of such a commitment? waah piang this month make alot of major commitments -first to brian [for the rest of our life *plates crashing in the distance*] now to work for a measly $5.50 an hour for 6 months. for a commitment phobic- i should be deemed cured by my therapist for commitment phobia ya think?

ahhhhhhhhhhhh
i wanna tell a story in my most ah lian personality [my mother gasps in the distance] boyfriend chinese la must use singlish already.

one day AH got this girl. she like this boy LAA. she never thought the boy will like her ONE. then AHH she go melbourne. come back AHH got plans with this same boy to watch TMNT. walk everywhere LAA but no TMNT...in the end watch Meet the robinsons. then the girl started to sneeze so the boy AHH ask if she's cold. lol then he hold the girls hand LAA!! cheeky right. then AHH the girl very the funny ONE LOR... go kiss him on his right cheek. lucky LOR we both guessed the ending of the movie cause we AHH busy kissing by then. EHHH wait a minute.... not WE as in brian and i!!! other ppl ONE...then now, the boy and the girl... can say will live happily ever after... lor [oh oh NOW THE BOY ADMIT HE LIKE ME FIRST YAY]

Boy's version of the story:
IN purfect engrish.
I meet girl. I like girl. We stead lor. Write so much.
I love you.

Labels: Iin

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Friday, May 11, 2007

i have yet to assimilate to the newfound crazeeness in my life. i find myself in a constant emotional disorganization, a rather tiring mental battle of to do's and not to do's. and especially with this new status quo having rather invisible demarkations, i am left to assume assume and assume.

like when i go out, do i let him know? if i missed him, do i call him or just wait til he calls? when someone expresses feelings for me, do i tell him? when i need to cry but i know his busy, do i call him? when i'm going for a night walk, do i tell him? simple questions. but its amazing how many times i find myself questioning my actions. just a minute ago, i glanced at my hp, and thought..do i or do i not call him?

simple questions on the surface.. but deeper, my brain ticks with other questions, fears, worries and godknowswhat. where do i stand as a girlfriend? am i entitled to certain things? is he making too much sacrifices for me? does he love me? does he know what love is? am i being a good girlfriend? is he really serious about the future? do i get this attached to him so early? mygodthisquestions.

so many things have happened and suddenly, we'll be together a whole month this 12th.

we couldn't even name all the places we've been together. 30 days, and literally hundreds of memories made, memories that i know i'll one day forget. and don't even mention the fights..

yep ladies and gentlemen, our first month together has been filled with fights, tears, more fights and more tears. not to say the time spent together hasn't been immacutely unimaginably wonderful.. it has.. just that probably when two ppl feel so strongly about each other, even the smallest mistake gets blown up, over-analysed, misinterpreted, and well..argument ensues. who ever said use fire to fight fire? it doesn't work. period.

we figured that at least we have this terrible fights now, get the things out of our system then live happily ever after. we estimated two months of this baddd fights... and then the road to our happiness will hopefully be less.. bumpy. we've even fought about religion. a touchy topic that has in many occasions caused couples to separate. i've seen it happen to my own cousin. a pity. it was hard fighting with brian. you should've seen me. i was crying in the toilet under the shower. i nearly choked a few times with the water raining down on me while i forced myself to cry silently. i got to a point where it was difficult to stand up and all i could do was squat with water pouring down on me.. and i just.. bawled. trust me, it took every ounce of me not to go get a few bottles an smokes or the fastest remedy -my piriton pills. i knew if i had to cry anymore, the only solution was sleep and 4 piriton pills would've knocked me out cold. but instead i called nuha. and just listened. it kinna stopped me from doing anything stupid.

well, thank god its over. and we've survived. we have a long way to go. i think his the one. my heart now hopes, and my brain thinks.. of the future we'll have together.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

angie and i..

i remember just before she left, we were on the escalator going towards Food Republic@ Wisma and i said to her i'd post an ad in the classifieds looking for a new temporary bestfriend while she was away. but of course i didn't. she's been away for a few months.. and i'd like to say after the first few months it got easier, that i missed her less. but no.. it's still the same.. i still think of her daily, and whenever something happens, i'd immediately think of calling her. words can describe it... i'd see the rolling things at the botto of the screen when i'm watching CNA and whenever news about Nigeria comes on, i'd seat up and read the scrolly things scroll. lol

she's finally returning home.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

i've made an important discovery. about brian and I, last night. how our pride and arrogance has caused so much friction between us. i was too proud to let him know that i need him in my life, i was too proud to admit that sometimes when i face a problem i'd like to be able to run to him, i was too proud to sometimes just msg him when i missed him...and he was too proud to admit when his at fault. our pride, our [potential] downfall.

but last night, at least for a minute we put it all aside and was able to get to the root of the problem, instead of "adjusting" each word we say, just to save our ego. we did it all night and nothing was resolved. until we opened our eyes blinded by arrogance, and saw what exactly was happening.

and now, we're better off. at least its one hurdle we've overcome early on in the relationship. because knowing us, we'd probably wouldn't have realised it and so many problems wouldn't have been resolved and what happens then? i shudder to think i could lose the love of my life just from my and his pride.

i'm still so freaked that we're so similar, his just amazed.

Friday, April 27, 2007

how many months since angie*bestfriend left singapore? approx: four months. i promised you dear girl that no one would replace you -i didn't even place an Ad in the classifieds for a replacement bestfriend!!!- i can't lie, i'm seriously lOoking forward to seeing you at the airport. i find myself watching that silly video we took with my hp at the airport almost once a day. and i'm sorry for not being able to provide you with more emotional support. i'll be a better bestfriend when you return, i promise. *smiles*

Thursday, April 26, 2007

telling mum about brian liu jiesheng

it took guts to tell mum about him. but i knew i had to tell her one day. keeping a secret like this was like having a constant shadow behind me. it left me feeling uneasy everytime i was with her. but today, after i braved another painful blood test, i knew if i didn't tell her then, i'd probably not have the guts to tell her. he already told his parents days ago -pressure was mounting lol. believe you me, i thought she was going to throw a fit cause right after i told her, she just kept quiet. you know, at that time, it felt like i was at the foot of a volcano i knew was about to explode, but pure foolishness kept me there- just waiting for a reaction. [tensed] minutes passed by and she finally -rather diplomatically i must say- said "you're old enough to know what you are doing" and somewhat responsibly lol i said "a big part of being a young adult is recognising that certain issues need to be discussed with my darling mum". heeee

the relationship

w.o.n.d.e.r.f.u.l

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

_s t r e s s e d t h o u g h t s_

$2500 by november. impossible, possibly.

what the freak is mum's problem? don't want to talk don't talk.

university admission letters. what is my future gonna be like?

need a light. now.

doctor's appointment and blood test.

i don't have any more room to be stressed about anything else. enough on my plate. why does it always happen? i spend months not having any problems and once in awhile, when problems come- they come all at the same time. i need angie here. i'm tired.. of acting strong, of bottling everything. i'm tired.

have to remember: royal plaza on scotts. 1125. 2104.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

afraid? kinda.

i received this mail earlier today:

TEMPORARY SUSPENSION OF SALES OF TEGASEROD

fcuk. this isn't good. i've been taking loads of it and now they give me an advisory to stop taking it cause its been linked to "cardiovascular adverse event". my next check up is 4 may. i'll get him to check my heart, just in case. though falling in love with brian was somehow a cardiovascular event, it was in no way adverse. t'was, beautiful. hmm, heart heart...

anyways, i've no intention to make my blog a love diary ewww.. it's just that now -right now- my life consists mainly of falling for him. and thus my entries will reflect errr... being in love. lol.

i wrote this in my vintage leather diary in the train the day after i reached singapore.

riding in the train,

my mind forever thinking,

happiness suddenly replaced by pain,

of the family, the city i'm missing.

an epilogue of grieve,

wades over me gradually,

give me back my heart,

whic You've stolen secretly.

do You even realise?

the price i have to pay,

for leaving my heart,

when you're so far away.

at the airport my heart broke,

ever so slowly til i didn't see You,

and right there my soul shattered,

longing for your touch..

to heal this broken soul.

Friday, April 13, 2007

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

BESTFRIEND IS RETURNING HOME MAY 14

is this what they call love?

being single had all the perks, i admit. being free, having only to take care of myself, living life the way i like it. but heyy, i've met him, and am quite certain of the future. it was rather fast, but everything happens for a reason i suppose.

brian. and suddenly my heart skips a beat remembering... "will you be my girlfriend''

Thursday, April 12, 2007

can i be happy tonight w/o worrying about tmr morning?

he said err... things any girl would love to hear. and i can't blog cause i need to find my resume. just needed to say, i'm happy tonight. and hopefully tmr too!

loves

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

the boy who stops me thinking rationally

what can i say, we went out last sunday, [uhuh same day i landed]
had coffee [or more accurately cold cuppa chocolate and err don't know what he had.. a latte?] and cheesecakes! then watched a movie [won't disclose title, lol, let's just say some things are meant to be kept between us. *grins*] and dinner at nydc, then we went to borders. guys out there, that's what i'd call a date. lol

but i was so unprepared. i must've left my brains in the plane cause godknows i'd never ever let my guard down so fast. after the izal episode, i've kept a safe distance between guys. and i've grown so used to my wall. then i had to meet. and ok i hate to admit this, but heyy its my blog, and i think i should be as honest as i can. i don't even know much about him. i'd love to learn more about him though.

i do have to say my thanks to nuu for scolding me last night. [thats not sarcastic yeah] if she didn't say i was being so timid and afraid to open myself up, to forget about what izal did, and that not every guy will do that and err oh ya she said he wouldn't dare hurt me cause i'm her bestfriend. that girl ahh, i don't understand it. what do you see in me that i fail to see myself? why do you always have to stand up for me before i have faith in myself? i love you nuu. i do, and the only reason i've decided to let him in i because i trust you and your judgement. so if i do get hurt, its your blardi fault. lol i'm only kidding. what's love without pain? it's true, i know, like you said, i can't keep running away. this will happen to the next guy, so why not brave it and do it yeah....

"an epiloque of grieve, shadowy blanket over me, hold my hand through, and never let go, til we see daylight"

my melbourne trip

where do i even begin? sigh i can't even blog abt it yet. it was the best one week of my life. and not just because it was melbourne but because i fell in love. i was utterly infatuated. instead of staying at oakford, i stayed over at mummy's friend's place. she's now OFFICIALLY my godmummy -mamafina. and i have the most adorable godsister -nadiah! and so who did i lose this heart o' mine to? them of course. once i get to sit my ass down infront of the comp to upload the 117 pics, i'll narrate my trip, the places i went to etc. now, just the highlights because i'm still heartbroken i'm back in singapore.

the best parts of my trip?
1. being made mamafina's goddaughter
2. all the beautiful old buildings on the city grid
3. my new godsister
4. my new two good friends Leeq & Keem
5. clubbing at QBH
6. meeting dawn and del
7. sitting on this rustic green bench with the guys on the yarra river
8. making sure Leeq stayed awake while driving
9. the weather
10. the shopping

i loved every minute of it there. so weird, i even stayed up all night looking at the stars with Leeq at the porch, freezing our socks off. i couldn't sleep, not because of time difference, but because i wanted to experience EVERY minute of my stay there!

i can't wait to go back in december. and this time it'll be for a MONTH. yeah honey, you read it right. i'll be there for a whole wonderful month.
i miss my newfound family. i bet no one really understands how i feel, but i don't blardi care. i miss them and it hurts. little things remind me of them. like when i saw a muffin mix at the supermarket earlier, i remembered baking muffins with nadiah, helping her do homework, letting her use my makeup, when i smelled CK Eternity, i remembered Keem and how he chased me around spraying me with his cologne, and when i see bikes on the street, i begin to worry abt Leeq. but most importantly, being around ppl reminds me that i miss mamafina the most.

"home is where the heart is, and i left mine there"

Saturday, March 24, 2007

i was thinking what to write about and was just mins away from switching of the laptop when i decided to read my bestfriend's blog...and tadaa a topic dawned on me.

the perfect man
is he a figment of our imagination? a man all women idolise, to looong for.. a reason why we constantly have checklists in our heads, looking for the perfect man. we've seen it a million times, nice decent boy likes girl, girl says ewww-hell-no-i'd-be-caught-dead-with-ya, girl continues to look for model-looking, tall, tanned, smart, witty, rich man. so i ask... do we, women, lower our expectations and realise tt the perfect man does not exist OR the opp sex, be better looking, stay in school, work hard and read loads of jokes on the internet?
my guess is..boys will be boys...so probably girls outta change.
i no longer look for the perfect guy, well i don't even bother looking - i'm not a drop dead gorgeous girl tt can get any guy i lay eyes on right- hee so i just wait.. and instead of looking for mr. perfect, i just hope for a decent boy with a sweet smile to walk by. at the end of the day, we all need to remember that we're not perfect either and finding the right person for us may just bring us one step closer to happiness, and what is perfection without happiness?

Monday, March 19, 2007

i've never been one to brag about anything..results or otherwise..but this time, i felt like i needed to do this for myself. i've been in such agony waiting for the results to be released. yea though they aren't all A's or Distinctions, i am blardi happy with my results already. and i wanted to post it as a testament of my silliness and idiotness for never ever learning this lesson : NEVER WAIT TO STUDY TO THE VERY LAST MINUTE.

i must be doing something right -maybe all the babysitting, baby milk powder making, diaper changing are good deeds- cause god is definitely smiling down on me letting me pass all the papers. this just came to mind.. have you ever noticed that when a student fails a test, he blames the teacher for setting a difficult as hell paper but when he does well, it's because he's smart.

today i'm happy....yayyy

Friday, March 16, 2007

to go or not to go..

i'm still considering whether or not to go to Brunei. honestly i have nothing holding me back in singapore. i might as well be packing my bags cause i ain't doing a blaardi thing here.
i've been so strung with adrenalin rushing projects, prepping for tests/ exams -you name it- these past three years, that suddenly having absolutely nothing to do is driving me insane. i find myself walking ard the house a few times a day (...and lemme tell you at my godparents' place, going up and down, to the patio to the kitchen to the attic works up a sweat!...) thinking something's amiss..like i'm supposed to be doing something, but i'm not.
so i ask myself..why not? why not just go to Brunei and work for my uncle. not for experience and definitely not for the money -cause i'm asking for peanuts since he'll be taking care of my accommodation.food.transport. maybe just to be in a different environment. it's getting terribly borrring here.
the DOWNside...
no internet, no computer, and according to mum "it's a d.e.a.d place to be in. no vivocity no orchard no holland v no nothing dear girl. i won't be surprised you'll be on a plane home a week later" hmmm.....i havta think about this.

could i get a vote on it? lol. (see, no one will miss my humour or the lack of it) =P

Thursday, March 15, 2007

this is me in pajamas in mum's room after i found out my darling bestfriend is returning home in june. i haaad to capture the moment... i haven't been truly happy & excited in months, til i got her msg!

i thought going to melbourne was going to make me happy, but just this piece of news did the trick. i've missed her terribly. and yea i admit, while she was here, i grew too dependent on her. a day didn't go by without me calling her. we're just the best of friends.

back to reality..this weight has settled permanently in my chest. the worry about exam results, whether or not i get into uni.. education is very impt in my family and it'll be the greatest disappointment to my parents and family if i didn't get into one. who am i kidding? it'll be the greatest disappointment to me too. i'll be devastated if i don't get a place.

i've done pretty well this sem, but tests and exam are two vastly differen things. i didn't have any time to study and prepare for exams. and sure enough, my results will reflect it.

i'm such a bloody letdown. sometimes i see others and they seem to have everything going their way and the more i see everything i don't have. ok fine that sounds so immature but that's just how i feel...

Sunday, March 04, 2007

the cold war with mum is over.
lasted: 4 days
lol.

i'm at my godparents place now. 1.30am..watching The Covenant with my sis.
i don't know...there's this feeling of dread over me today.

school's over. 3 years..and suddenly it's over. waiting for university, waiting for my melbourne trip, waiting for the hospital appointmt, waiting waiting waiting and waiting. i feel....suspended.

i've never felt any lonelier.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

i miss my bestfriend.

and now i'm beginning to worry..

why did you say its not safe there anymore?
why don't you want to be with your family for as long as you can?
angie, sweets... why must you say you want to come back home to live the life you led before you left.

darling, as much as i'd like to see you come home, i think your parents -especially your mum- will be heartbroken if you left their side.

yea nigeria ain't singapore, but darling....your family is there. you should think how fortunate you are to be able to live with them. remember the times when you were in singapore and you missed them? well this is the chance you get to be with them.

god i want to cry... i know it is difficult down there, but try not to count the days til you return, cherish the moments you get to spend with your family. and i have a feeling your parents love it that you're there being the doting daughter and protective sister! see your mum even told you to stay with them.

you are not missing a thing in singapore darling.. some more i think your parents will be leaving that country and will be making a new home in a new country in a few years.. and when that happens, you might have to go there for another few months. this loooong holidays are will then just be another facet of your colourful life.

I love you

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Projects Status
4 down, 3 to go
Friday -IB
Wed -EffBRW
Thurs -BPO

what is your pet peeve? mine? people who don't shower in the morning.

this morning i was happily breathing in clean aircon air in the bus UNTIL this man came and sat beside me smelling like he just got out of bed. oh god...for the rest of the 20 minutes, i had to sit beside Mr Saliva Stinkbob. i was practically gasping for air!
i mean seriously..couldn't you get up 10 minutes earlier and take a shower???!! wa lau eh... ok ok you don't have to shower like me [i take at least 30minutes to bathe] but 10 minutes! just 10 minutes -shampoo, brush your teeth, soap and WASH THE DRIED SALIVA OFF YOUR FACE- is that too much to ask my good man?
if you stink because you've been out in the sun sweating all day, well that's reasonable, Singapore is a hot country... but not bathing? haiya your mother never teach you hygiene ah? WTFH!

Monday, February 05, 2007

i can't believe how close i've gotten to hyder. but i have this nagging feeling that our friendship won't really last. what a pity. he really makes me smile. how i wish some guy could make me as happy. but i think that's just it, only friends can really make each other happy. relationships are such hardwork. hmm.. well lets just pray he doesn't completely forget me once he sorts out his problems.

Friday, February 02, 2007

eddy took this pic of me. can't remember if i was embarrassed or tired. hahah

how long have i not blogged? ages huh. so many things have happened. fights between close friends, little tiffs here and there, frustrations with ppl's lacklustre project quality and now...all the fears and anxiety from applying for uni.

a few nights ago i met hyder. we had a nice lunch, went book-shopping at vivo, saw him cry, drove like mad asses trying to see the sun set, drove up to Mt. Faber and saw gays hugging, sat down and enjoyed the view. well of course i didnt have my specs on so all i saw was the blurry colours of buildings in the distance. to me it was one of the most perfect days of my life, i couldn't have asked for anything better. how i wished i had spent it with someone who actually liked me and i liked too, instead of a good friend who was hurting because of girlfriend. don't get the wrong idea k. he is not two-timing the girl. there is absolutely no feelings between us. just being there as a friend. in fact, i'm trying to convince him to work things out. i just wish i could spend that day with somone else.

as usual i feel completely fat. will attempt to lose weight. by my next hospital appointment.

i feel like screaming. aaahhhh

Thursday, January 18, 2007

i can't remember how many days have passed since angie went to Nigeria. oouu i think it's exactly 1 week. only 1 week? and i'm already feeling the effects of her departure. when i got the call about receiving the award, i suddenly stopped and wondered who to call. instinctively i was abt to dial angie's no but then of course i realised the girl's not even here. =(

tmr is the concert. weeks of waiting...happy anticipation. but now because of projects, i feel the happiness fading away. i feel like not talking to anyone, just slowly disappear. why do i get so withdrawn when i'm stressed? maybe because i know i get easily pissed off when i'm this stressed. i can't believe it la. i was really looking forward to the concert, but now...haiya don't even feel like going anymore.

i wish i had someone to talk to. even right now it's half past 7 and i'm all alone in the computer lab, besides the 2 lab assistants. do i really want to talk to anyone? or do i just want to be alone? i'm so confused. shit.

worst of all, i sort of scolded kaki. think it was just my mood. out of the blue kaki kena scolded. SORRY KAKI. didn't do it on purpose. stress la. if you notice, i nowadays sometimes go rather quiet. maybe too many things to think about. sorry once again.

sigh

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

i feel like i'm swimming in a pool of dog shit. everytime i come up for air, i know there's a pool load of shit still left. 7 projects. CRMP, EPHRD, HB1, HB2, BPO, EFFBRW and IB. fuck la. how the hell am i supposed to complete 7 projects?! FUCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

my bestest best bestfriend has left our tiny island for Nigeria. she'll be there for six LONG months. i really don't know what to do. just incredibly sad right now. i had to be strong late last night and not cry in front of her. she won't be there for my birthday, for my uni application process, for my first driving lesson, for my australia trip and countless other small meaningful events.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

i've had a great christmas. spent the day at Wileen's place.. Happy 19th Birthday once again kaki! thanks for all the prezzies girls!

january is going to be a crazy month for me.
my bestfriend [ANGELINE] is leaving singapore for about 4 loooooong months on the 10th.
my favourite band [IL DIVO] concert is on the 18th.
my hospital appointment for that silly scope is on the 26th. heheheh maybe i just won't go ahahahaha

hasn't the weather been great? so many ppl hate the rain..but i love it, for all its depressing worth. the lonely gets lonelier...hahah

btw one of the gifts i got was a key, and everyone said, but we're not 21 yet. [how sad that i didn't know ppl give keys on your 21st birthday as it signifies freedom]. well when mummy saw it she said the same thing "you're not 21 yet". but the joke was.. my mum said "di, when you're 21, i'll give you a padlock" ha ha mummy VERY FARRRNIIE...... i told you she's OVER-protective... like over over overrrrrrr protective. geeesh.