Wednesday, October 11, 2006
i feel better. i've chosen to forget about it. like kak dirah told me, he and i can't be friends, it's crazy. imagine how we'll feel when, say i introduce him to a new guy, or vice versa.. maybe he's strong. this is his choice, not mine. the way this is going, it's like letting him make all the decisions, when well i should be a part of it too cause in the end, there are two ppl involved in the situation. i suppose, being the one who made the mistake, my rights in the decision process has been revoked. hahah
i'm honestly hurting right now though i will not readily admit it. but hey.. some pain makes us human right. i feel sad..sad beyond god knows what..but i refuse to show it. i just have to hang on. thank god i have work. i've been dreading and fearing the busy busy schedule i have for the next three weeks, it's truly like a marathon run here on out, but hey, it'll give me a chance to concentrate on something other than the numbing pain. i can't believe how booked i am for the next three weeks. one major event after another, minutes, AARs, preparations, rehearsals, dance practices.. i feel like a diver...take a deep breathe and submerge yourself into this deep sea of madness di, and drown out this misery.
now i know what cutters mean when they say they cut themselves to traslate their emotional aches into physical pain. it's more satisfying because emotionally, you don't know where the pain is coming from, you don't know how to grasp the pain, you can't see it for all its intangible worth. but when you're bleeding..and you feel the pain, you know where that pain comes from.
i guess instead of cutting (course well it's too sadistic for me, self-mutilation, why would i be that stupid when mum buys me Dior moisturizer and i'm religiously using it to have smoothe skin...nahh cutting's not for me)..so anyways instead of cutting, i went drinking and smoking last night. i think the smoking is worst cause i felt really light-headed..cool ain't it. and the combination of both evils left me puking...see, i'm the total nerd right. trying to drown my tears but my own body refuses to take the crappy drinks and smokes.
or maybe it's cause of me not eating..? been fasting when the doc said not to. haha and what's the end result? had barely three mouthfuls of food on monday and a few mouthfuls of salad yesterday night. that's all i've eaten since sunday. if i can continue this for the next few weeks, i'll lose weight faster, fantastic...
Quotes of the day;
Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
Nothing hurts more than realising he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him.
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