Tuesday, October 03, 2006
i feel like puking. honestly..
yesterday..seeing izal again..
background on izal>>
love of my life. the one that i let go because i was..no other word best describes it..stupid. i left, the one human being i knew i could see a future with. the best two years of my life..all memories now..memories i'd rather not remember because it'll only leave me sinking in a sea of regret. if only i could undo what was done, what was said..no. life is meant to be cruel. you only get one chance. now i understand what it means to be living in regret.
everyone was mad at me when i left him. everyone. but instead of rationalising things and trying to understand what the others were saying, i chose to run away. i detached myself completely from the whole situation- my family, friends, his family, him. i ran away like a coward. pretended nothing was wrong, that'll i'll be able to get over it, to get over him-because i was the one that wanted to end the relationship. but no, you can't stop loving that kind of person. you can pretend it didn't matter, you can date others, but things will never be like what i had with izal. nothing can come close. i mean, he's the guy i would have married, if we were older. no doubt about it. i knew at that time i'd only give my heart completely to one person, the person i'd marry...but i got scared. it was all too early....i was 16 at the time...and i was already so sure i'd marry him. it scared the freaking hell out of me. but why did i leave? now we'll never be together again...and i can't give my heart to anyone like i did to him. even if i fell in love, it wouldn't be as..whole, as complete, as unconditional.
and the pain i put him through. they said he fell sick, was crying..oh god...what have i done. i didn't know i mattered so much to him. i thought he'd get over me quick... i mean, who am i? just some young teenager..he was in uni..tons of girls around. i swear i didn't know...i thought i loved him more than he loved me.
what the hell is wrong with me? the relationship ended two years ago and here i am crying at work just because i saw him at dinner. i hope ppl learn from my mistake.. never run away from our problems or pretend it never happened, because in the end you'll just be carrying this emotional baggage around all the time. a burden..as more time passes by, the deeper the burden settles in our hearts til one day..like yesterday, the burden is too much for me to carry..
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